85. "I Like a Long-Haired, Thick, Red-Bone."

Once upon a time, I was going to write an essay for Essence magazine on color (complexion) politics in the Black community. It never got off the ground. Not too long ago though I came across a discussion in the culture blog of The Atlantic on some comments Jill Scott made about inter-racial dating, ironically in Essence magazine. She referred to that feeling she gets when she sees an attractive Black man with a white woman. She called it 'The Wince.'

And in response to that thought, and some people's reactions to it, I was (at least in part) able to express some thoughts of my own. It's not an Essence article, but it's what I have for now. And though this blog is supposed to be an exercise in new and regular writing, I'm re-posting those thoughts here. I think I just want to launch them in my own space. As a way of saying, "If I were a writer, here's something I'd write about." That's the truth.

And so is this:

I've been turning this argument (and this issue) over in my mind for some time. I've read Ta-Nehisi Coates's critique of the arguments against black man-white woman interracial dating, and I found it compelling. I keep coming back to my own wincing though.

The issue for me is not that so many black men prefer white women that black women who prefer black men are at a palpable mating disadvantage. The issue is rather with a kind of aesthetic color preference that many black men still exhibit, and with what that color preference does to many black women's psyches.

However small the percentage of black men who actually marry white (or non-black) women, the reality of light-skinned privilege in the black dating world makes the sight of a black man with a white woman an uncomfortable one for many black women. In some ways, white women are simply the aesthetic extreme of (many) black men's preferences for lighter skin. Even those black men who ultimately partner with darker skinned women often exhibit (whether in speaking or dating patterns) some degree of light skinned preference (being "color-struck").

So for many black women, inter-racial dating becomes a particular instance of a very general kind of color politics they constantly contend with. As a black woman who appears to be biracial (but isn't), I can only say that being a light skinned black woman in a world of black men is like passing for white in a room full of white people who feel perfectly comfortable saying all those things they would never say in mixed company. It can be genuinely horrifying.

Looking at it this way, not simply in terms of white vs. black, but of lightness vs. darkness (which I think is what it has always been) black women's anxiety starts to make a lot more sense. We could note that many black women have similar reactions when they see black men with very light skinned black women. More interestingly we could note the euphoria amongst black women at Michelle Obama's being not only black, but darker skinned.

It's not just about black and white to black women. It's about black men's wanting a woman who does or doesn't *look* like she grew up on the South Side of Chicago, or Baltimore, or East St. Louis. A woman who doesn't have the extra exoticism of maybe being part white or Asian or Latina, but who is simply Black. It's about the extra points those women get from black men, over women who look like Michelle Obama. As someone who gets those points, even on my most raggedy day, I understand how they feel.