111. If I Were a Boy...

... I would immediately cease and desist from the following:

- Those kissy face noises men make to get women's attention.  Are you seriously calling me the way you would call your dog?

- Using my underwear as a fashion accessory.  There should be more than one layer of fabric between my eyes and your butt.

- Buying a woman dinner and then being salty when she doesn't come home with me, as if she broke the non-verbal sex contract.  Try this instead: Estimate the amount of money you'd be willing to spend if you knew there'd be no sex, and then spend that.  If your estimate is $0, take her for a walk.

- Asking a woman if she has a man, and then following up with "But is he here?"  Not charming.

- Beckoning women over to my car, and actually expecting them to come.  Unless this is a monetary transaction, you're gonna need a different approach.

- Catering to every insecurity a chic has, and then wondering why every chic I meet has those insecurities.  Hmmmm.... Let's think about this...

- Insisting that a woman has her domestic game on lock (cooking, cleaning, etc.), when I don't have my provider game on lock.  If you need her to pay half the mortgage, you should be going in on half the dishes, yes?

- Hard-core clubbing after 30.  Everyone's entitled to "get it in" from time to time, but when your favorite couch at your favorite spot has permanent indentations from your "club shoes", you're doing too much.  Get off the couch, pour your drink, and put the bottle down.  30-something dudes with overpriced bottles glued to their palms are like 50-something dudes in overpriced convertibles.  We all know you're compensating for something.  We all know.

- Acting like we're not appealing when we are.  You need to be cool... we get it.  But seriously, women have egos too.  And acting like you're not impressed (when you know good and well you are) will get you a big fat SKIP card.

And to my sista friends, I humbly request that you stop responding to any of the above.  I should probably blame you most of all =(.